Chapter 6: Stockpiles are like Tribbles
The life of a kept coupon husband is filled with all sorts of lifestyle changes. Before my wife became an extreme couponer my house actually had nooks and crannies. Those days are gone forever. It’s time to get our nerd on; I mean really reach down to that Urkel part of your persona because I’m going to make a Star Trek reference. Coupon stock piles are like Tribbles! What is a tribble you may ask? If you don’t have a go-to nerd in the family then just see the description below.
Tribbles (Polygeminus grex) are small, non-intelligent life forms originating from Iota Geminorum IV. Known for their prodigious reproductive rate, this round, furry creatures emit cooing sounds while touched, which have a tranquilizing effect on the Human nervous system. Born pregnant, a single tribble with sufficient food can quickly increase its number exponentially through presumably asexual reproduction, bearing an average litter of ten every twelve hours.
I am like poor Captain Kirk with a house full of tribbles. My wife’s stockpile started out small when she first started couponing, soon however, it began to grow exponentially and before I knew it I had stockpiled items being crammed in random spots all over my house. Toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo all began to appear in strange places other than the bathroom. I realized then my wife was trying to hide all the items in what she lovingly called her “secret stash” but the as she grew more proud and more compulsive she began to fill every empty space in our house. Every serious couponer has their “secret stash”, it’s kind of like a leprechaun and its gold.
I knew it had to end when I went looking under my bed for some spare change and found 40 boxes of cereal instead. I had to put my foot down and stop this infestation. This was my castle and besides I was having weird dreams about sailing the seas with Captain Crunch at night. To make it end I made the ultimate sacrifice! I gave up my only man-cave and began to build shelves in the garage. As the shelves went up the tribble problem subsided and coupon items began to make their way out of the house and into the garage. Where the “secret stash” is located now well let’s just say a women’s heart is like a deep ocean blah, blah, blah.
PS: If you knew what a Tribble was before the definition, sorry you are the family nerd. Wear it proudly!
Read the next Chapter #7: I Think My Wife Is Batman
So I Married a Couponer is a fun series about an average man trying to deal with being married to an extreme coupon shopper.